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It's not you.... it's me... (The Breakup Post)

I don't like commitments... 

What a terrible way to begin a conversation..right!?    Wrong. What an awesome stab at honesty.  I think blogging is cool. You document your thoughts over a period of time and it becomes this catapult for conversation and reflection. Duh - you know that, you read blogs and some of you write them. Hats off to you who nurture this container, commit to posting consistently and sticking with your niche to make it relevant and comforting to your audience. I want to be one of the cool kids!

That's just not me.  I dislike commitment. And I'm going to own that. Breathe easy into that rather than fight  it. 

I've never liked commitments. I left two murals unfinished at my high school. I have tons of "I got something started" artwork from college. My Sims never move into their houses. I don't follow-through on taking photos. I don't plan outfits. and I have restarted this blog 50million times. With the same intention and the same results. 

I like immediate satisfaction. When it feels good to do something - I do it. When it doesn't... I don't bother. So why am I so upset? ... I want an awesome body of work... yes??  or no...? I don't know. 

It's our classic battle - The battle of "Should". I should create a body of work that reflects me. I should participate.

Well - truth is. I don't feel like it. I have this image of the Koi Fish swimming up the waterfall, and I just want to say "dude - turn around. It's not that serious."

yeah. It's not that serious. I'll post when I feel like it. xoxoxox. 

Underwater

Breaking

"Heartbreak is an illusion.  The heart is soft and made of light, and therefore cannot break. What is actually breaking is the wall built up around the heart. Let it shatter."  -Unknown.

Audrey Kawasaki

An UnBalancing Act

How do people do it? Go to work, fall in love, keep healthy, socialize, look great, foster hobbies, sleep...?

I want to do it all.... and I can't.

It's too much. I thought I was having growing pains as I stepped into adulthood. I thought juggling all aspects of my life was new and therefore difficult. Within a year I expected to get the hang of it. I would be living some artsy version of Sex and the City.

Fail. and unhappy. exhausted.  :/

It's really time to step back and honor myself. I don't really want it all. I've never wanted it all. I was that college student who took 6-9 credits because I wanted to take my time. I value space and reflection. I like immersing myself into one thing. I've never been good at multi-tasking.

I have this fear if I don't participate in something, or keep up with something, I will miss out. I need to practice letting go. It's okay to say no to some parts of my life or change the proportions (thanks Danielle Laporte. Check out this awesome blog post from Chelsea).

It never gets easier

Things are not difficult, but they are difficult enough. I have this grand notion that "things" (whatever those things are) get easier, and I keep pushing for what I'm realizing is an unattainable stopping point. I thought things would get better after UNLV. Then after Naropa. Then after my first year of work. Then after the summer. and now I'm here, and I caught myself saying, "oh. it'll get easier after this second year". ....

:/ wtf.


Uggghhhh. Brain be quiet. It's not true. This is it. Things aren't slowing down. Things will not get easier. There will not be a time period when I am not facing a challenge - as it should be right? We continue to grow, and we continue to get better. On this Saturday before the start of the academic year, I want myself to be mindful, enjoy the journey, and create pockets of spaciousness. Time can't slow down, but I can slow down and appreciate my relationships and the activities that shape who I am outside of work.

I am at this weird place where I don't want work to define me, but I'm also recognizing that in this field, I AM my work. Oh, the lucky life of the helping professional. And I say that with all honesty. I made a choice to help. and that comes with some sacrifice. It also comes with rewards that align with my values.

It never gets easier. You just get better.